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By Rapid 17
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The Time Machine.

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see
100 years into the future. They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first. “What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a
printout; he reads it out:

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is
non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.
There are no worries."

”David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a
printout, but he just stares at it.

"Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say?”

David replies, “Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”


Little Johnny.

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.


A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra.

"Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks.

"No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.


Grandpa's Drink.

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.

Mischievous teenagers put a viagra tablet in Grandpa's drink and after

a while, he excused himself because he had to go to the toilet.

When he returned however, his trousers were wet all over.

"What happened Grandpa ?" asked his concerned grandchildren.

"Well", he answered, "I don't really know, I had to go to the

toilet, I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw it wasn't mine,

so I put it back.


Men Who Think.

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat
down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink
facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing’.
The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said
‘about what’. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about
various topics which would lead to other questions.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up
with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer.


My Old Granny.

I took my old granny to a place where you put your feet into a tank of fish and they eat all the dead skin,
It cost me £35..... I found it was a lot cheaper than the cost of a funeral !!!!


A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, “Mom, why are wedding dresses white?”
The mother looks at her son and replies, “Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.”
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, “Dad, why are wedding dresses white?”
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, “Son, all household appliances come in white.”



Saga Night Out.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'


Murphy

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.


A Fish Tale

A game warden finds a man at a popular trout fishing spot with two dozen trout swimming in a bucket. "That's way over the limit," he says. "You're under arrest."



"But officer, please," the man says, "these are my pet fish from home. I just bring them down here to let them swim free once a week. When I whistle, they all come back and get into the bucket to go home."

"I don't believe it," says the warden. "Show me."

The man promptly dumps the trout into the stream and gazes after them as they swim away.

After a minute, the warden says, "OK, how long?"

"How long what?" says the man.

"How long till you call the fish back?"

"What fish?"


The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think,
fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as
a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the
table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and
the other is in your porridge.'


The wife

The wife was texting me all day yesterday saying she was in casualty, I watched all 50 minutes of it last night and I didn't see her once.
She's still not home yet either and I'm getting hungry.


"Have you ever seen £20 all crumpled up?". Asked the wife, enigmatically.

"No" I said.

She gave a sexy smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a £20 note.
"Have you ever seen £50 all crumpled up?" she asked next.

"No" I said.

Again, a sexy smile, and she pulled a fifty from her knickers.
"Have you ever seen £30,000 all crumpled up?" was the next question.

"No" I said, by this time very intrigued.

























"Well go and look in the garage."



Being Romantic.

A wife, being a romantic sort, sent her husband a text...

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


He replied...

"I am taking a dump, what should I do ?"


Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"


Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”


A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!


The local deli ran out of milk again due to the freezing weather, fortunately, my elderly neighbour Ethel has plenty stacked up on her doorstep.

Just bought the wife a sheepdog fur bra.
"Aww" she said,"Will it keep my breasts warm?"
I said "No but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."


Catholic hairdryer

In paroachial schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, religious instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was ok to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

Getting a hairdryer through customs.


An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour ?"
"Of course child, what may I do for you ?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hairdryer for her birthday.
It's unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me ? Hide it under your robes perhaps ?"

"I would love to help you dear but I must warn you, I will not lie."
She replied, "with your honest face father, no one will question you."

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare ?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor ?"

The priest replied, "I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead Father, next please"

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