I said, "I know, the kids from next door have them."
She said, "Why have they got them?"
I said, "They were playing pirates and they wanted some sails for their galleon."
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No, not this time!'
My next door neighbour accused me of stealing stuff from her washing line.
I nearly shat in her pants
My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days.."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
An ugly chick came up to me in the pub and said,"What does reincarnation mean?"
I said,"It means when you die,you come back as something else"
She said,"When I die I'm going come back as a dog!"
I said,"You're not listening !"
"Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa.
"No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support machine.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter 'What are you doing?'' She asked. ''Hunting Flies''
He responded. ''Oh ! Killing any?'' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. ''How can you tell them apart?'' He responded,
'3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone!!..
A priest is driving home when he comes across a dead pig lying on the road, he calls the police to inform them.
A cocky sergeant answers the call and says "Did you read him his last rites"
The priest replies, "No, I thought I would inform his next of kin first"
Added in 6 minutes 11 seconds: